My beautiful Amelie:
The last 9 months were the happiest months of my life. From the moment I found out I was pregnant - no day went by without me thinking about you, wondering what you will be like, how you will look, the person you’ll become - all the amazing things we would do together. I wondered, will you be a Ballet dancer, a Krav Maga guru, or a doctor – it didn’t matter. I just wanted you to be happy. With each passing day I felt our bond strengthen, I was so proud to be your mum. Strangers stopped me in the street and ask about you, I would happily tell them about my little Amelie. I loved being pregnant, feeling your kicks and movements, hearing your heart beat during doctor’s visits were all so wonderful, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. Being able to nurture, grow and protect you for all this time was an honour. We were connected and so close - yet hadn’t even met. The day you were born was the best day of my life. I couldn’t believe I just gave birth to such a beautiful baby.
The first 4 days of your life; 2 spent at the hospital and 2 days (which to me the most precious) spent at home with you are the days I will never forget. This is when I got to hold you, feed you, clean you, dress you, calm and comfort you and most importantly protect you and keep you safe. I got to watch you sleep, I saw you smile, stretch, cry, I got to stare into your beautiful big dark blue eyes (which to me looked so wise way beyond your age), I got to discover every little part of you; your face, hair, your hands, little feet & ears. I watched as you looked around, discovering the world. And in your bedroom – which I had put so much love and effort into making just right for you - your eyes fixed on the big colourful flowers on your wall; hopefully it meant that you liked them.
I am so mad, so angry with what happened. You were taken from me so suddenly, ripped from my arms. I was completely helpless and there was nothing I could do to save you, it was not up to me – this is what hurts the most, that I couldn’t save my baby. I ask why me, why you, why our family? What did we do to deserve this? To have our dream right in front of us, taken & shatter into pieces.
I cannot answer this question. I have to accept we weren’t meant to be together as Mother and Daughter right now. I was lucky enough to have a glimpse of life with you, these precious moments I will have forever – nobody can take these away. I promise, I will only remember these moments, while I do my best to forget the bad; the hospital, your illness, the tubes, medication, suffering – as this wasn’t you and only part of your illness and I refuse to let these overshadow the good times we shared.
Physically you are no longer here, but I know and feel your spirit living on. I have strength and an inner peace, which I know is you. Our bond will remain strong, just as it was the last 9 months I carried you. I am, and will be your mother always, and you will be my daughter, my baby forever -who just happens to be an angel now. I know you will be with me, next to me when I think of you, in good times and bad. You will protect me, watch me, and guide me throughout life. I hope you will give us a chance to be with you again; to be your parents – I hope you will come back to be with us when we have future children, this is my biggest hope and dream.