My World Comes Crashing Down...again...

I cannot comprehend my life right now. My already fragile world is crumbling again. The fears and worries I tried so hard to ignore are coming true with full force, but more painful and tragic than I ever imagined. Maybe I knew something was wrong deep down...

During our 1st Trimester Screening yesterday, as the nurse started scanning over the baby, her silence, her face, said it all....With each second, our hearts sank more and more. Our new baby, our hope, our joy - has severe abnormalities. The NT scan showed more fluid behind the neck than is normal and under the skin, surrounding the embryo. Not 'viable for life', 'severe disabilities', 'symptoms indicative of serious  'chromosonal abnormality' and 'termination highly advised' - are the words what I recall. The rest is a blur.
They advised me to do a CVS, which is something I wanted to avoid at all cost. The doctor felt this would give us concrete answers as to what went wrong. What chromosome is effected. So if we decide to try again for a baby (?) we would know more....

Already, so numb, in shock, hardly able to catch my breath, my body shaking uncontrollably. Stretched out on the exam bed about to have a needle as long as my arm, a foreign and sharp cold object inserted into my belly, the safe and protective haven for my baby. So unnatural so wrong. So much blood, blood everywhere. So much pain and fear. My baby, who I want to protect with everything I have, is not well, is dieing...How can this happen a 2nd time? How?

The doctor felt the findings looked highly indicative of IP...What the hell? Why did I even do PGD/IVF? I am so angry, so let down. Mad at the doctors, the geneticists.The suffering, the hormones, the hopes? Were we the 3% it doesn't work out for? just as we where the 1 in 1 million, with Amelie. What is going on? Am I a really bad person? Do I deserve this? Is this my life.....no children...no future? arrgggggg......I have so many emotions, so much to comprehend, understand.....

We have no answers what it is right now. It is not about that. We will deal with it when we find out. It is about our baby and doing the right thing now. What is the right thing. Can I trust the doctors? He wants me to wait a week for the results. A hellish week knowing what is possibly to come. Knowing I could start bleeding and having a miscarriage any minute.

I know I have to take one day at a time. See what next week brings. What the doctor says. In the back of my mind there is the hope that when they check in a week, the fluid will be gone, the baby will look strong
and healthy and the results will show no abnormalities. I have this tiny ray of hope. I'm holding on to it, not because I think its realistic but because I cannot give in, give up. Yet the probability is 10th of 1%, or less. Then again, maybe statistics don't apply to us? they haven't so far..I guess we have that going for us.

Regarding the possible termination. I am speechless. It goes against everything I believe in, it goes against nature, all my being, the mother in me, to me it's so unnatural and so wrong. Yet I cannot bring a baby into the world to suffer, like Amelie did. I refuse. I feel like my hands are tied. I have no choice again. Almost exactly 1 year after losing my daughter. How is life so cruel? Physically and emotionally I do not know if I am strong enough. I don't know anything anymore.

I went into that room full of hopes of seeing our squirmy baby, with a blank DVD in hand, full of hope and excitement...when I came out of that room, I felt I had nothing...again.