It's Over, I'm Not Pregnant...

Sorry I haven't written for a while. To those following, I'm sure my silence said it all...it spoke more than any words could. I simply couldn't bring myself to write for so long what I'm about to...I wanted to give you all hope. That good can happen to those like us, after such tragedy...I wanted to be an inspiration, not a let down. To give you all hope, not more fear...It took me 2 weeks to bring myself to do it. So here it goes..

I am no longer pregnant. I lost my pregnancy. I lost my baby. Again. Another child, my other child. Our second child. Our hopes and dreams...gone...yet again. He was a little boy. I named him LB (as in 'Little Boy'). I felt such a bond with him. I knew he was a boy all along. I felt him, felt so close to him. It was wonderful. Again, so close yet so far. I am angry. I am numb...

We don't yet know what it was. All we knew from the ultrasound that there was too much fluid under skin, behind the neck, inside the baby, that my baby wasn't viable for life. Would not be born alive, due to serious chromosomal abnormalities that this stupid fluid indicated. The fluid kept increasing, another bad sign. There was no hope. Everybody advised me to end the pregnancy. (The T and the A word, that I still cannot bring myself to say or write. I don't think I ever will. Something I have always disagreed with. I never thought I would have to consider. To do the hardest thing anyone could have asked of me.) My poor poor baby. The easiest thing to do would have been to do nothing, to wait. To close my ears to the doctors and pretend all was ok and to remain pregnant as long as I could. Believe me that is what I wanted to do more than anything else, as any mother would. This would have been the easy way... Not that there are any easy ways with something like this.. BUT the possibility that my baby would have to suffer at any point. To bring a child into the world who was not equipped to live? To suffer, like my sweet Amelie did. How could I love them and do that?  How could I watch another child suffer? That is not being a mother. I believe I did the best for him and what he would have wanted. I did the best by my baby. Not for me but my baby. How could this happen, how could this be. Yes, you ask WTF??...as I ask too. I suffered through IVF/PGD in order to eliminate these types of risks. We did everything right. Or so we thought. What was the point? We thought PGD was supposed to pick a healthy embryo. Both were grade A!!....How can this happen?

What we know so far: is a big fat NOTHING.....The CVS results came back normal. Obvious problems like Trisomy/Down Syndromes were tested for and were negative. We are now waiting on the results for IP...Yes, I said IP.....After PGD....I know!! The doctors were shocked as everything looked so good initially, (up to 12 weeks) our odds were so good. Are we the 3% it fails for? Everybody insists IP is very unlikely...That it may just simply be 'bad shitty luck'.....(REALLY AGAIN??) that something went wrong and we will never know what it was. Apparently there are thousands of abnormalities that you cannot test for, with no genetic markers..This could be one of them...Well, I'm sorry but that does not sit well with me. That's NOT ok.....

Now just waiting on the results , which may very well be 'simply bad luck'...There is no good result to expect, nothing to hope for. Either result will not provide acceptable answer. Will make us feel more traumatized and entirely petrified and fearful about becoming pregnant again. We now have NO faith in IVF/PGD. Never want to do it again. We messed with nature and for what? I would have had a better chance of having a healthy pregnancy without it. So much fear...unanswered questions...doubt, anger....confusion...

The facts do matter, but in some ways they don't make a difference. At the end of the day, I lost my child again. Amelie's brother...We did everything right, we picked the option that was supposed to be the best...the hardest but the best. We did it all. I tried so hard. Yet I lost again. Our baby dream ended in the worst possible way....again.