Birthday Weekend as well as Other Things…

My 31^st Birthday, the second consecutive birthday after losing our daughter, was this past week. The weeks leading up to it were hell. The anticipation of the day, dreading having to celebrate, to be a fake cheerful happy person while blowing out candles as I turn a year older WITHOUT my daughter here with me. What could be worse? My bouncy little 17 month old girl, should be here celebrating with me, smiling, laughing, giggling….keeping us awake at night. But she is not. I know she is with me, beside me always in some kind of shape and form. I always tell myself this, yet it isn’t enough, it doesn’t lessen the pain. Not only this, but as I get older, with each month, year I get further and further from ideal child-bearing age. I am still young I know, but with the odd stacked so against me, fertility is all I have left in this battle to have a healthy child.

As a couple, Aaron and I decided to put things on hold. He needs more time. When you are on this path you both have to be ready, for what is to come. How can you ever be fully ready when you know you may face more losses, more suffering to come…for another precious child of yours to be taken from you. How can you be ready for this? You are never ready. It is hard for a relationship, being on different pages.. As a mother I would do anything, put my hands in fire to have a child who is alive and well. Aaron is cautious and emotionally exhausted…he is worried about me, my health. While all I want is to try again. Our frozen embryo is waiting patiently in a test tube. My body is strong and ready. I am as prepared as I could be. Yet we are waiting, plans on hold. Baby things wrapped up in boxes out in the garage, waiting to be opened..to be used. I sometimes check on them to make sure they are still there, that they still exist. Are they okay? (no water damage from the rain)…I worry about them. If something happened, if they were ruined I would be devastated. Such a strong emotional attachment to just objects, makes no sense I know, yet I hold on to them for dear life, maybe holding on to the hope they represent…One day maybe they will be used..

For the Birthday I wanted nothing. All I wanted was to be with Amelie. Aaron and I went to Amelie’s Beach. I was finally ready after 16 months, to revisit the sacred and special beach that we scattered my babies ashes. It was beautiful. We walked, talked. Discovered even more secret beaches as we walked. We wrote her name in the sand. I felt her with us, beside us. I found a pretty heart shaped stone in the sand. I wonder if this was her birthday gift to me…