A Little Something Else...

It's been quite a while since I last wrote. Again, our life has been a crazy whirlwind. We purchased our first home!! It's cute, contemporary, with plenty of potential, open and bright, surrounded by nature, secluded yet still near civilization...just as I always wanted. (Most importantly there is the perfect spot in the backyard for me to plant a little garden for my Amelie. Amelie's Garden #2. I have many plans). Finally we have a real place to call home, can settle and grow roots. I honestly never thought we would get here and I feel SO fortunate. We found the house in early December and closed in little over a month. Now we are all moved in and settled.  Couldn’t have gone smoother or easier, to my surprise. My husband also changed jobs, he found a position he is much happier with, he is more challenged and enjoys the day to day grind just a little more, I am so happy for him. So much has happened in such a short time. So stressful, so intense yet all wonderful and positive changes. This year so far has been amazing, there is a different energy surrounding us, around our family that I can't quite explain, I feel lighter and more hopeful. Life is looking good.

On top of all this, there is a little something else. I purposely didn't start with this and instead chose to ramble on about other happenings. There have been some other developments. I am cautious, so careful, so scared...I don't want to make a big deal...I'm doing things differently this time. As things are different. Very different. For the first time. I AM PREGNANT WITH A BABY WHO DOESN'T HAVE IP!!!!!!! NO IP! NO FUCKING IP! NO IP. I LOVE THOSE TWO WORDS. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH....NO IP! Sorry for the language and going a little over the top, but I damn well deserve it. It's been way too long, the struggle too hard the road too long. After my third loss, losing little Leo, my hope was fully depleted, I had nothing left and we were about to give up. Yet I became pregnant. The first 13 weeks I was a wreck. So terrified I was going to have a miscarriage. I truly believed it wouldn’t work out, I was very negative, it was my coping mechanism. A self-preservation. Expecting the worst while hoping for the best (except without the hope part as I had none). Exactly a month ago today, we received the best phone call of our lives. The CVS which I had at 13 weeks revealed that all chromosomes looked healthy and normal and no sign of IP. Honestly the biggest miracle of my life. He is also a little boy. We have given him a name. He is 18 weeks tomorrow. His due date is 2 weeks after Amelie’s. I let myself buy his first outfit yesterday. No one knows, just family and now you all, my Blog Family too. No posts on Facebook or sharing with the world, just those close and special to me. I want to be very private this time. Just in case.

I am SO damn happy and over the moon, yet in a way it hasn't sunk in. I am also petrified. Somehow finding out he is healthy didn't reduce my anxiety, which I really didn't expect. Although I never expected to make it this far in the first place. I struggle with the fear and anxiety on a daily basis. Whenever I manage to get to a hopeful and happy place it’s often replaced by fear and spiraling thoughts. The ugly ‘what-ifs’. Worries about the risks associated with CVS, the Flu shot, risks of getting it, not getting it, how can I best protect my baby? Ultrasounds fill me with dread. Monday we are having the 18 week detailed scan. It will be the first time I see him knowing he has no IP. I think if I see everything looks ok then I will feel a little stronger, more confident. Maybe. I am so scared for Monday. We have no reason to be scared, but I know so much, have seen and heard so much. We are not out of the woods but we are almost half way there. I still have a long road ahead of me which I will walk one day at a time and stepping very carefully. Facing all these new emotions, layers upon layers. Amelie, him, so separate yet so entwined. I cannot help and think back to 2011, as I pass the milestones with him, it takes me back to her. It’s nice. I feel so much closer to her right now. I know she is looking out for me and her little brother, wanting this so much for us. Each day as the fear casts its ugly shadow over my hope, I think of my little boy, I think of my little girl and I try to have faith in them both, faith in myself, faith in my body as well as in life, once again.