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| Almost 37 weeks. Waiting... |
I know I haven't written in a while about my pregnancy. No news is good news. I am so happy that I can say I am still pregnant. In fact I am 36 days and 3 days (this Friday I will be at the same stage I was with my Amelie when my water broke). I am told everything "looks normal"....baby is healthy, growing as he should. It's so hard for me to fully believe and comprehend this, since it's what I have been told before, the same was said about Amelie, the same about my IVF/ PGD baby...SO how can I fully believe? how can I fully trust? To be honest I can't and it's a real struggle. To be pregnant after a full term loss, after taking your newborn home being told she is healthy then have her die in your arms a few days later due to a rare genetic disorder I knew nothing about. It's hard and it's not pretty, I struggle on a daily basis.
So many worries anxiety and dark thoughts. I know he doesn't have IP, yet I obsess over other things like Stillbirth, SIDS, Cord Accidents, Autism, Vaccines and trauma in Labour. I worry that these could all take my healthy baby. I know that I cannot loose him that he simply just has to be okay. I would not, could not survive losing another child. Well meaning comments like "all will be okay", "trust/believe/hope","don't stress or it will be bad for the baby" do not help at all. Instead, what I really wish for is for people to give me a big fat break.
How can anyone know what this is supposed to look like when they haven't lived it themselves and haven't walked in my shoes? Yes I worry and I am a nervous wreck but I am doing my very best. I would also rather be that happy excited average pregnant woman too. But I am NOT her. I wish people accepted this and didn't try to fix me, gloss things over and try to make me feel better and calmer. It doesn't work and it makes me feel more isolated and alone.
Love me, trust me, trust that I am a good mother and accept me as I am. Let me figure this out and let me get through this at my own pace in my own way. Once I have my healthy baby in my arms, only then I will breathe a big sigh of relief.
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| Celebrating the 'bump'..My IP free little bump : ) |
5 comments:
All the best darling girl, hope to hear the best news in the future xxxx
All the best Darling girl. Hope to hear good news in the future xxxx
All the best Darling girl. Hope to hear good news in the future xxxx
Sending love and lots of hope that everything will be ok. The first 6 months were very hard for me--really severe PTSD, nightmares, extreme anxiety, so be easy on yourself and remember that lack of sleep and hormones is contributing to grief and BLM stuff. Hopefully you will have a smooth go, but if not, know you are not alone and that it will get easier. PLEASE update when he is born!!!! Will be thinking of you.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support and Molly for sharing about your own experience.
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