Brave..Or Just Shock/Denial?

I did something so hard today and I am so proud of myself. I decided to got to the park to meet with a friend of mine. Her and I were pregnant at the same time and her baby was born just a few days after Amelie. To see her baby would be hard enough and to be in a park with a bunch of happy and healthy children running around. Their mothers having no idea how lucky they were. Was I crazy, What was I thinking? This is the worst place for me! What if I break down crying hysterically? I would be the weird lady with no child! Why would I do this to myself? But I went and am so glad I did.

My initial reaction was not to go, it would be too hard. Then I realised. Going, was exactly what I would have been doing with my baby, if she was alive. Happily pushing her in her stroller, I would have met my friend and we would have a great time catching up.Why should I let this event, this evil horrible thing take more from me than it already has. Why should I shut myself away from the world, from friends, from their beautiful babies. Why should I let it, how could I let it take more from me than it already has? Going, symbolised strength and courage, it symbolised standing up and fighting this fluke of nature, genetic mutation that so cruelly took my baby.

I could not and going forward cannot let it take more from me. 

It was hard at first, just as you would imagine, heartbreaking to see all that joy and happiness. Seeing my friends baby, the first newborn since my own, wasn't as bad as I thought. I realised, he's another baby, not my own, a miracle a healthy little baby - how babies should be. He gave me hope and encouragement, he made me long for my future - a future with my very own healthy baby.

CONTINUED: Reading through this entrie (6 Months Later on 1/21/12)

I CANNOT believe I did this. Now, 6 months later, I could not bring myself to do this. I realize now, I was in shock when I did this. I was maybe in denial? It was all so new, so raw, I did not know what to do, how to be, how to react.... I am not sure I don't really understand.

I realize now how quickly the emotions of grief, the stages of grief fluctuate and change. How you change. How little 'triggers' can set you off, set you back. A comment, seeing a baby, a child....Now seeing pregnant women, babies, children has become unbelievably hard. I cannot see it, be  part of it. It is something I have to distance myself from for now. SO many amazing girlfriends of mine all with new babies I have to distance myself from. I cannot do it. I shouldn't have to do it. I shouldn't have to explain. It is understandable, it is ok I know. If they are true friends they will forgive me and still be there for me. I definitely won't be going to a park again any time soon...until I have my own future babies.