'The Strong One'

Those 2 weeks in the NICU, while doctors feverishly worked on finding a diagnosis, then treatment for our baby, were by far the worst 2 weeks of my life. Watching her, our baby, our everything, hooked up to tubes and machines, medications being pumped into every single one of her veins, not knowing if she would live or die. Having hope, praying, clinging onto hope, clinging on to each other, a roller coaster of events, of emotions - day in day out. Getting bad news on top of bad news, sometimes a glimmer of hope which then faded quickly as more bad news followed...A never ending nightmare, you cannot wake up from.

As a parent you want to protect you baby, that's all you want, we were powerless, like bystanders, like watching a movie in front of us, we had no control. She was our baby and we could not help. I cannot tell you how this feels. All I know is after a while, after 2 or 3 days in the hospital I just became numb. I was there, I was present, I was functioning, talking to doctors, asking questions, stroking & singing to her (only part of being there that I like to remember), but it's as if my emotions had switched off, I couldn't feel anything, I was there but something changed. People around me would break down, fall apart, tempers rose, it was a very intense environment to be in for such a long time. Somehow I held it together, I was strong. I comforted others when they cried. I was calm. I would cry of course, things would set me off, but then I would pull myself together.

I remember when we got her MRI results, which showed inflammation in her brain - (not what you want to hear), we realised how serious her condition was. I remember standing there with the doctors telling us, talking to us/at us. Staring at the doctors, her MRI results, Aaron crying next to me, I felt so numb, it's as if I felt nothing - I could not feel anymore. It's as if it wasn't me they were talking to, I was watching from outside, it didn't sink in, it couldn't, because then it would have been real. I did not cry. I could not cry.

Everyone praised me for how strong I was through it all. I wasn't strong, I wasn't an amazing pillar of strength. I was numb. The heartache, the sadness, the pain, the love, the  fear and anger building inside of me was so powerful, so strong, all encompassing - that it was just too much. The way I coped was by switching off my feelings, tuning them out, putting them on the shelf until later. I was in shock. I could not deal with it.