A Ray of Light

Since Amelie left us, I have started to feel such an intense need to become pregnant again, to have a baby, a healthy baby. I want to experience being a mum to an earth baby, alongside my angel baby. I know it won't change what has happened, it won't take the pain away, it won't replace her (nothing ever will  and god I wouldn't want anything to), but it will fill this void to be parents, it will make us a little happier and a little more complete again. I am not sure if other parents feel like this at all. It's probably a a good sign we are looking to the future, we are thinking about these things. I know it's what Amelie wants for us more than anything, I really do. It was such a blow to us to find out I carry the defective NEMO gene, which caused Amelie's Incontinentia Pigmenti. Our next babies have 50/50 chance of being born with it and we would never want to put another babies life at risk. (Not that that is what we did, I had no idea I had this evil genetic defect, how would I have I have absolutely 0 symptoms)...When we found out, we though our dream of future babies would also be taken from us. However luckily, thank god for science and technology.....there is a way to have a healthy future baby. 

The process of IVF combined with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Development) will allow the baby to be tested for the disease before I become pregnant. It's amazing, there is hope for us after all. Today we had a very encouraging meeting with an amazing fertility Doctor who will be doing this procedure for us in January next year (3 months from now). He was very encouraged an hopeful about our situation and apparently we are ideal candidates for this. With this process we have a chance to extinguish and kill off this Genetic Disorder from our family...

I am excited, hopeful, scared actually petrified...it's all so unknown. Again the life of our future child is in the hands of doctors, we don't know what will happen. I am grateful for this opportunity, relieved there is a possibility. I will try my best to be positive throughout the process, I know there will be many emotional ups and downs, it could work first time, or it could take a number of cycles. I will try to go in without any expectations. I will not get my hopes up. I could get pregnant and everything would be okay, hopefully this will be the case and everything will work out fine. But I also know and it may not. If and when I get pregnant, there will be a very fearful little voice inside my head, the inner me; scared of a possibility of miscarriage, another genetic disorder/mutation, a cord incident, so many things to fear. When I get pregnant, I will be over the moon, I will enjoy it as much as I can, now knowing what a miracle it is, appreciating it after my fight for it. I will try to keep the scared little voices at bay, as much as I can. I am hopeful...