To My Beautiful Angel...

I wanted to write you this letter, to share with you how I feel. Even though, you are always here, beside me, helping me and giving me strength, light and energy. You know my feelings and thoughts; you are beside me every single day. As I struggle to adjust to the reality of what life has become. A life where I will never get to hold you again, hear you cry, see you smile, watch you grow, watch you achieve your milestones, celebrate birthdays. All the hopes and dreams for our future will never be. I feel so fortunate that I did get to experience some of these things; I saw you smile at me, I looked into your eyes, held you, fed you, dressed you; these precious moments will be mine forever and no one can take them away from me. I live with these every single day.

As you know, your dad and I would like to have another baby, a brother or sister for you. This is something we have wanted for a while, we would like the chance to be parents to an earth baby, as of course we are already parents....very proud parents that is, to you our precious Angel. I feel your support and encouragement and have done so from the day we said goodbye. I know you want us to have this, more than anything in the world, you hope for this as much as we do. As for the countless stupid people who keep saying ‘You will feel better once you have another one’, we of course all know that’s not the case. Another baby won’t make the pain go away, it won’t mend my heart, put the missing piece back. You will ALWAYS be missing, we will always be thinking of you, wishing for you every single day for the rest of our lives.

Your little brother or sister will however fill the need to be a parent; the way we should have gotten to be with you. They will make us happy, make us smile, laugh, grow and develop as a family, as individual people. I know having a brother or sister will make you happy too, you will happily watch me as a mother, your dad as a father, you will I hope, be proud of us. We will see you in them every day; they will in a way make me feel closer to you. I will wonder if they will look like you or be like you. I secretly hope, you will come back to us in our next child, I do not know if this will happen, if it is supposed to happen, can it even happen? I often wonder and hope. If this is the case, will I know and be aware of it, will I see it? Either way, I will love your brother or sister unconditionally, as a unique individual, just as I love you. It would be unfair to treat them any differently because of what we have gone through. They will know everything about you, they will be so proud of their older sister, I will proudly show off your pictures and belongings to them, we will always be talking about you. Special occasions, your Birthdays, Xmas, we will always remember and celebrate with you, you will always be part of our family, I cannot wait to do this, to share you with them.

We are fortunate to have the opportunity to do PGD and have the chance to screen for the IP gene. We will do everything we can so your brother or sister will not have the disorder. I am a little anxious about this next step. My fear is whether it will work, how hard it will be and if it will be successful? If it is successful and I become pregnant, will everything be ok? If everything is ok and I have a baby, will they too also be taken from me? I could go on and on about my fears and the what if’s.

Under the circumstances I think it is normal to have these fears, after all there is so much to fear, I now know so much can go wrong. But I choose NOT let these fears dictate. I choose to try, to do all that I can. Yes I do have so many unknowns, so much out of my control. If I let these negative thoughts dictate, I will NOT be a good mother to my future child. I realise, my feelings are one of very few things I can have power over.  Filling my mind with negativity and fear surely is not good for my future baby, and I want to make sure I do everything I can. Just as I did, when I was pregnant with you and with what I knew at the time. It won’t be easy I know. It won’t happen every time, I might fail at times, I am not perfect and that is ok, I cannot give myself a hard time. All I can do is try my best, hope for the best, and hope that this time luck is on our side. I am aware, not all of it is under my control and I am trying to be ok with that and just have faith and belief that it will work out.

It gives me immense strength and confidence you are watching over us, you are beside me, supporting and loving me, loving your dad and your future baby brother or sister. I am so grateful and so lucky to have you as my daughter and my beautiful Angel, thank you for choosing me, for being mine, for loving and supporting me for giving me strength. Even though I didn’t get to keep you for long, I still feel very fortunate – because I have you.