Happy Birthday To Me...

All my life; I had such high hopes and expectations for this day. The big 3-0. You are officially a grown up, there are now no excuses, your life should all be in order now. A proper job, a husband, a house (ok, a condo which is rented...but it is LA so it's ok).... AND children. I thought I would have it all, correction...I almost DID have it all. While pregnant with Amelie, I often thought and planned how we would celebrate. My parents would fly to LA, my dad would get to meet his grandaughter for the first time. I would have everybody I love with me, my baby in my arms - this would be the perfect celebration, I would have everything I ever wanted.... Life didn't work out this way.

Celebrating life, even if it's my life fills me with dread.  It reminds me I am getting older, while my daughter is not. It reminds me time is passing, with every day, every year, I get further from having held her in my arms. I'm scared with more time passing, my memories will become more distant of her. Also how could I celebrate, I am mourning, I cannot celebrate without her here with me. I cannot smile, act happy, pretend I'm not sad as that would be denying her, as well as my feelings.. I wish people would understand, were more sensitive and not expect me to carry on as normal (particularly my insensitive boss..but that is another story..another future post)..

Alongside thise emotions, I am also proud of myself. I am proud of who I have become, I am proud I have survived, that I'm here.I like the person I am and who I have recently become....As well as this I'm a proud mother and a proud wife and I realise how fortunate I am in so many other ways. I had so much taken from me, yet I have so much. A wonderful Husband, Parents, my Mr P and wonderful extended family, caring and genuine friends who I can rely on. I am so grateful for so many things. I guess it is important to see the beauty, to try to notice the good amongst all the ugliness.

Today ended up being difficult, but it was made a little easier by my sweet and thoughtful husband. He planned a secret birthday surprise; a helicopter ride around LA! It was such an amazing surprise, and so much fun it, the perfect distraction to take my mind off the sadness, to remind me how important he is in my life and how fortunate I am. It filled this day with a couple of happy and joyful moments, cheering me up, lifting my spirits...It was the perfect way to spend this difficult day, I know Amelie was with me, hoping I would have these moments....