I don't want to do anything just say in bed and just be at one with my hurt and pain, I'm exhausted. The usual Saturday morning routine of laundry and groceries just don't cut it. I do not care. They have to wait. Even my favourite things; breakfast with my husband or walk in the sun with Mr P - do nothing for me. I have no interest, no strength.
It's been 7 1/2 months since Amelie died. It's not one bit easier today then the day we said goodbye. True, I feel more normal, more me now, the shock has partially worn off (although I still sometimes feel like it's all a bad dream and I will wake up), but still the sadness, emptiness lingers on. It's always there, constant for the rest of our lives. At times a dull ache in the background, sometimes it bubbles over and takes over everything. That is me today. It's ok. All I will do today is stay in bed, read other blogs, read An Exact Replica of A Figment Of my Imagination (a book by a mother who lost her baby, then had another one). It was reccomended by the MISS Support Group I attend.
I guess I'm just exhaused. It's hard. I work full time, 40hours/week. Each day, I manage to get out of bed and turn up at work, I become a regular member of society and not the heartbroken grieving mother that I really am. I do my job well. I sell the expensive furniture to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I smile, laugh, look pretty. I'm successful at my job; I make huge amounts of money for the big corporate company I work for as expected (while I take home a tiny little check, but that is a whole other story). At times my red/teary eyes, sad look, Amelie tattoo, or the 100th person asking me 'didn't you just have a baby?' is a reminder to others, but that is it. People have no idea. It's good to have this distraction, to make the time pass until my IVF/PGD starts but it is also hard. By the end of the day, I am exhausted, by the end of the week I'm shattered, left with no energy. Lately I am struggling with this more. This 7/8 month mark since the loss has become more challenging. I find myself more angry, more anxious than normal. I obsess and worry about everything. I expect the worse. I fear people will die around me. Basically, I've become really frazzled. I wonder if it is also because I am nearing the start of my IVF/PGD. I think it is. I cannot wait to start and am thrilled it's so soon. But maybe it's adding another layer of emotions to my already frayed and fragile ones. It's unbelievably exciting yet intensely scary. That's probably why I am a little out of sync these days. A slightly more frazzled version of my normal self...and that I think is ok.
That being said, I do need to make sure that I become as well prepared as I can be, for this next chapter of our lives. IVF/PGD requires the mother to be healthy, strong calm and relaxed in order to work. Today I feel everything but those things. Instead of freaking out that I am not ready I have to be ok with it. Feel the things I need to feel. Get it out of my system. Come Monday, I hope I will wake up the less frazzled me, a little more positive and hopeful. There is light through the darkness, I know that. I just have to feel it.
6 comments:
Zita, I get this. It's been 7 months since my Liam died and i'm in my 2nd IVF right now. I've found it healing to try for another baby, to keep my mind focused on the hope as I miss my son terribly.
I'm sending light and hope as you start to prepare for IVF.
x
When I hit the 8 months mark, I also felt it harder. I guess it goes in circles. I read somewhere that your body allows you only so much pain as you can handle at a time and holds the rest back. So when you gain your strength back, another round of pain begins. I guess that is how grief works. I hope that this makes sense.
We are where we are supposed to be, but it is hard to avoid the feelings that we should somehow be 'further along' and hurting less.
Hoping for another baby kept me sane for many, many months. I don't know what went wrong last time, my baby suffered two strokes in utero. He was born looking great only to decline and die 4 days later with massive brain damage. We have no answers and we are not sure if it could happen again or not.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you should try to focus on the fact that there is something you can do this time so the same thing doesn't happen. That is a 'good?' thing. Gosh, I hope I don't sound patronizing. I'm sure you already know that. But we have to stay positive in our tragic circumstances. And hold on to hope.
And all those questions: 'How's your baby?', 'You had a boy/girl didn't you?' and the familiar pain in my stomach, not because I will cry infront of a stranger for the billionth time, but because I can already see the pity in their eyes, the awkward two steps back they will take whilst scanning the room for the quickest exit route. I know how you feel.
I wish you easier days. I wish you all the strength in the world. I wish you peace. And more than anything, I wish you a healthy baby in your arms.
With love,
Mariana
There is so much truth in this heartbreaking post. The aching, longing, the sheer exhaustion.
Seven months of grief sure takes its toll, doesn't it? It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, or how physically fit, I am so tired most days.
Peace to you today.
Josh
Hi Zita,
You are the first other Hungarian (or of Hungarian origin) I know of doing PGD. The only reason I did not write this post in Hungarian is that I did not want to be unpolite to your readers :). I would not wish PGD upon anyone and especially not losing a baby. I am very sorry this happened to you and that your beautiful Amelie was parted from you. I just wanted to wish you good luck to come from now on and to have a healthy sibling for her.
love: Rianon
Thank you all for your kind comments. You are all such special and amazing people for going through this too. Rianon, thank you for your comment also. Are you Hungarian? Did you have PGD (and in Hungary?)...and were you successful? Do you have any wisdom or advice for me before I start? Zita x
Hi Zita,
I really can't give much advice regarding PGD. You need luck most of all. And a strong relationship with your partner. But you have that. It won't be easy and even if Amelie was conceived easy that sadly does not icrease your chances as the PGD process is quite different from the natural process. Your own hormones will be shut down and your ovaries will carry a lot more eggs than usual. But Amelie's memory must keep you strong: if it happened once it will happen again. Wishing you lots of love and luck: Rianon
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