So Bittersweet.....

Sitting in the car on my way to the doctors for my second HCG/Beta blood test, it dawned on me...It is the first day of June. The month Amelie was born, one year ago. We are in her birthday month. She would turn 1 in just 26 days. The anticipation of that day, this month has been so unbelievably hard. I think about it all the time. It breaks my heart. The memories, the beautiful memories of that day, juxtaposed next to the harsh reality of what really happened to my sweet beautiful Amelie. It's just too hard to take. Being here, right here, closer to this date - feels like an out of body experience. Am I really here? Is this real? The 1 year mark, looming just a few days away.....Through the tears I look down at my belly (it is so early yet a tiny bump is already forming, apparently it's not just the medications). I feel the early stages of morning sickness coming on, (yes I have never in my life felt so happy to feel sick.) It brings a smile to my face through the tears. The possibility of another life, a sibling (or two) for Amelie, the thought comforts me a little, makes me smile though the heaviness and deep pain in my chest. Finally I am able to stop crying, I wipe my mascara streaked face and walk into the doctor's office held held high. The HCG results were 554 today, they doubled as well as increased; apparently this is an excellent result. The little guys/or guys (or girl) is developing well so far.... I am happy, it is what I want to hear. A good start. But I am not getting my hopes up....as I have been here before. One day at a time.....