My First and Very Last Babyshower...

A woman I work with is very pregnant. Of course, why would I not be working with someone who is pregnant? My industry is very male dominated, so sure one of the few women associates one just happens to be pregnant. (Salt on the wound, she announced the week after I had my termination). I see her each day, so blissfully happy, so unaware or unsuspecting of all the horrible things that could go wrong...every day as her belly grows, it's another reminder. She is so happy, I am so sad.  I wish her the very best, I try to support her and give advice when I feel up to it. It makes me feel as if I am still partially part of that club. The club where I myself was once a member, even though it feels so long ago almost another lifetime. She is having a boy which is slightly easier on me.

With my pregnant co-worker, it was inevitable that the day would come. The dreaded B-A-B-Y  S-H-O-W-E-R. My dear associate and friend and also the 'office event planning extraordinaire' has been planning for months, very tactfully around me careful to not rub it in my face. (Thank god for the few who do have such sensitivity, unfortunately it is quite rare and sadly the further I get from the loss people seem to assume I'm better, or have forgotten. If only they knew....

The shower was planned during office hours, so even if I wanted to it would have been hard to avoid. They planned a 'surprise breakfast with baby gifts'..and lots of baby themed blue decorations. I honestly felt I could do it. I was confident that I could hold it together, after all she is having a little boy, as most of my associates are (gay) men - I was sure there wouldn't be too much gooey baby related talk. I entered the office this morning with a heavy heart... nervous but confident that I could do it. The first part started off well. She was happy and surprised. The breakfast was non eventful, delicious and I even managed to loosen up and enjoy it a little. During the breakfast my pregnant associate happened to sit right next to me at the big rectangular dining table we have in the office. We (meaning the others not me), as I tried to distance myself from the whole event planning), laid out all the baby gifts next to the dining table at another seating area. I honestly thought we would move over there to open the presents. My plan was to sit somehow in the back so that I could escape unnoticed OR if the tears strated the whole table wouldn't be gawking at me. Maybe I should have thought ahead more...planned better. Either way, my boss decided the presents would be handed to her an she would open them there at the table....right next to me. My heart sank. I panicked and didn't know what to do. She started on the first few presents, she opened mine first a simple onesie...fine.....the second one a pacifier... It was beginning to get a little uncomfortable for me. I didn't even attempt to plaster a smile on my face like I sometimes do, I sat there expressionless, as long as I don't have to react, say anything maybe I could do it. The next gift...I don't even know what was in it but it was a blue box with a picture of a baby on it. Form where I was sitting as I looked over at it I caught a glimpse of  the baby's little foot.....It was this baby foot that did it.

The uncontrollable spiral of thoughts began. Amelie's beautiful little foot. I loved her foot so much - so perfect, so small yet huge for the 6 pound baby that she was..(She obviously had Aaron's big foot)... Images came flooding back of the hospital, my precious baby in a coma. So horrific. Her body covered by machines and tubes apart from her little foot and hands peeking out which I kissed nonstop...My thoughts spiralled. My tears welled up.  I looked away, tried to turn off the thoughts, the emotions but I couldn't. So I ran. I got up and ran to my desk....a private little shelter where I cried for the next 20 minutes before I calmed down. The attempt was there, I tried to support my pregnant co-worker. 'A' for effort...

None of my associates came after me. Later 2 did ask if I was ok? I said fine. One said ' don't worry no one noticed'. I smiled and said nothing. But I wanted to scream, I don't care if you all noticed! My baby died. It hurts. I cry...cry all the time....sad all the time. That's what happens! Deal with it. This new person that is me today, appears strong on the outside - after all I am still here & I survived hell. Yet this hell has made me so fragile, so broken inside. I will never be who I used to be. And that is perfectly okay. I do not apologize for my behaviour, I may make others uncomfortable, but life is uncomfortable for grieving parents on a daily basis. I am proud of who I am, the new me. But definitely no more 'Baby Showers' for this new me.....ever again!