A New Loss, New England, New Perspectives and New Beginnings...

Where do I even begin....So much to write about. So many 'New' happenings, since I last wrote. Some filled with joy, some with heartbreak. As we settle into our new home, begin our new life that I'm finally able to comprehend and reflect on the craziness of the past 4 months. The most important event being my Pregnancy. Yes, I was pregnant again. My second pregnancy after Amelie, third Pregnancy of my life and sad to say 3rd Loss of my life. It’s incredible, you would think luck would finally be on our side. That we would for once get to keep our baby, after all the tragedies, suffering we have endured. He was conceived naturally (yes no IVF/PGD for us ever again). We knew there was a 50% risk, yet we had hope.  I spent 13 weeks with him, managing to be blissfully happy, to be present, to bond, to enjoy each moment (knowing it could end). He grew, my body changed, I was so so happy. We found out I was pregnant days before Amelie’s Birthday. This was our 3^rd,  we hoped 3^rd time’s the charm. I guess not.

He was a boy. He stopped growing at 10 weeks. I found out during the 13 week Ultrasound, he had no heartbeat. (It was IP). I had to have a D&C the next day. It was full of complications, I almost had a blood clot and hemorrhage and had to be put under twice to have the procedure done again. (Something was missed the first time around). The ordeal isn’t even important, doesn’t even matter. We, I, had tried so hard, hoped so hard yet it didn’t go our way. We named him LEO. I will write more about him soon.

If this wasn't stressful enough, we also moved. When I say moved, I don’t mean just house, but to a brand new state. We relocated to NEW ENGLAND this summer! My husband received a job offer, we had been wanting to move away from Los Angeles for a long time. (The rat-race, pollution and fast-pace of the city had become something we no longer wanted to be a part of anymore). My husband grew up here and I in England, so it made more sense. We literally had 3 weeks to pack everything up in containers, to quit our jobs, to ship our cars, pets and all belongings, to find a new home on the East Coast and sub-lease our Pasadena house. Not an easy task, but we somehow managed. The idea of a fresh new start, nearer to supportive/loving family, in a healthier & purer environment meant the stress of the move was worth it. This was all happening alongside my pregnancy, terrible morning-sickness, followed by the loss, the arduous D&C and last but not least... my dog Preston who is the light of my life, getting sick and being diagnosed with a terminal and very aggressive form of cancer. (Yes, cancer at 5 years old, WTF?)….All while we were in the process of moving….not easy….

Today, I finally have the time to catch up a little bit. All boxes have been unpacked, our house feels like home. We begin to enjoy and ease into our new life, which couldn’t be any more different to hectic life in LA. We live in a small town called Boxford (North of Boston), in an old rustic little cottage, surrounded by nature, forests and animals. It is peaceful, quiet and calm and is just what we need right now. During the weekends we go to places like scenic Maine, Cape Cod and New Hampshire. There is so much to do here, so much history and beauty and adventures like this are the perfect distraction from everything. I am not working yet but will probably look for a part-time job starting the New Year. For now I am enjoying some peace, getting us settled in, taking care of Preston, my husband, cooking healthy foods, recovering and healing a little bit, day by day. I have never been able to do this before and am so grateful and is just what I need right now.

This is where I am as of now. Just being, present, enjoying each day, with the ones I love. Preston is well today, I try to be grateful as who knows what tomorrow will bring. I have so much to be pissed off and sad about; Leo, LB, Amelie and now my sweet Preston but trying to stay strong, to stay in the moment, to put one foot in front of the other. It's all I can do.

All our belongings in containers

 

We have arrived: Pregnant with Leo and scary looking statue, in Newburyport

 

 

On the Cape...

Beautiful Maine

 

The Boys..