I have encountered an array of interesting reactions from people, when you tell them your baby has died. One of the worst is the; ' Oh you will feel better once you have another one'. As if my precious child is replacable. I often dwell on the insensitivity and stupidity of these people, their judgement of my grief, their judgement of the life of my baby. How dare they act as if her life was not important.
A few weeks ago when the news broke of Whitney Houstons death, I surprised myself with the emotions it brought out within me. I couldn't help feel angry at her, for having been blessed with the gift of life, the gift of health and yet choosing to throw it away by taking huge amounts of drugs. While others, like my baby, those who are battling sickness, have disabilities, babies who die too soon..they would do anything to have been born healthy, to have had the gift of health, gift of life. I was angry, mad, I had no sympathy. I am ashamed to say, I judged. Just like those people who judged me.
It took a friend/coworker of mine to make me realise. He had battled addiction before himself. He made me see it is not a choice. It's not that easy. Not that simple. Whitney too, was someones daughter, someones baby, someones mother, a life...equally as important as my babies. Unlike me, she didn't have a good upbringing or easy childhood. How could I judge her, how could I relate? I have not been there. How dare I , how could I? I am sure she wouldn't have chosen to die this way, I am sure she would have held onto her life with every breath is she was given the choice.
The people that dismiss my grief also have no right to judge me, but I now see it can be hard to relate to a situation if you haven't been there. Not everyone is tactful, or intelligent. How could I expect everyone to show the compassion I need. To have the perfect reaction. There is no perfect reaction. Maybe next time someone comes at me with the 'Oh you will feel better once you have another one' comment. Instead of brushing it off and concealing my tears welling up, I can actually say how I really feel. I can tell them ' actually no, I will not be ok, once I have another one. It will fulfill my desire to be a mother yes, I will feel very blessed to have a healthy baby yes. But the daughter I do not have here is equally important to me. This will never change, I will never get better. She will be missed single day, every second that she is not here with every fiber of my body. I will never be ok. I will never be whole, I will never be the same.
4 comments:
Oh darling. Don't beat yourself up for judging. It is only natural after what you've been through. You can't control the universe and you can't control what others do. I realised that, too, when I lost my boy. But we can control what WE do and we also have the gift of life and we owe it to our babies to live it to the fullest.
I am so sorry you lost Amelie.
Mariana
I think you're right. There is no perfect reaction to our loss. People have said the most insensitive things, like the replacement baby theory, and people have said really nice things and in the end, they all seem to fall so inadequately short.
I think people just say what they would to tell themselves in order to make themselves feel better. It's only natural of course, our self-preservation, but it doesn't make these comments any easier to handle.
We think about you guys all the time and hope you find some respite and comfort today.
Josh
Thank you both for your comments.
Mariana, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I agree, we owe it to our sweet babies to live our lives to the fullest - that is what they want for us. I am trying my very best to do this now, before Amelie I didn't so much. It is amazing how much our babies have taught us and their influence on how we see the world now. I have so much to thank her for.
Josh, yes there is no perfect reaction and its unfair of us to expect one from those who have not been here. You're right, everybody says what they think is best, what they would tell themselves. The last thing they want to do is upset us. It's important to keep in mind when we do get those reactions, we will be less upset that way. I'm also thinking of you and Kari. I am so happy, and excited for you both, hopeful all will go well and am sure Margot is so very proud of you guys...
Oh Zita, I too struggle with people's comments and reactions. I try to understand that no one knows how to react and they come from a good place, but even if the intention is good it's still difficult for me. It's difficult too to see the meaning behind words. I'm sure when some people say you'll feel better when you have another one, depending on the source, they could be meaning, a part of you heals in motherhood, but not meaning it's a replacement child. While others I'm sure think it's that simple and it makes them feel better to think you would be better with having another child. I've had people say to me I'll feel better with the next baby, but then they follow it up with a comment like "of course it won't replace Madeleine" and then it doesn't seem to lack as much empathy as I often imagine it does. But all of it is really practicing how to not be sensitive to insensitivity, and it's really difficult. I'm not very good at not being sensitive to comments.
Thinking of you 3 often every day.
-Brie
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