After two pregnancy tests and a blood test, it is officially confirmed......yes I am Pregnant! I AM PREGNANT. It is so surreal. I am in complete shock, it hasn't sunk in yet. Keep pinching myself, is it real? It is hard to write those words. I'm almost scared to say them, very careful, very cautious, skeptical.... How do I sum up my feelings? Over the moon with excitement, giddy with happiness and joy and I feel something similar to hope...an old friend who I have long forgotten. How does one feel these things after loosing a full term, 'healthy' child (as we were told throughout my pregnancy?). A part of me feels the same as I did the day I found out I was pregnant with Amelie, the excitement the joy they are the same. Today, made me revisit that particular day, to relive every moment in my mind. A precious and familiar place that I once shared with my daughter, just her and I. Now I will experience it with somebody else. I'm so different now. I now know things. That shit happens, nothing is guaranteed. When the nurse gave my my Blood Test Results: (HCG Level: 238, Progesterone Levels: 228, Estradiol Levels: 2315), she said that they were so good and they indicated the pregnancy is very viable. That with such numbers it is very unlikely things could go wrong. How could she say this? How could she know? How could I hope, trust anything anymore....the 'what if's' and the fear is surfacing...We have heard similar words before and were disappointed. We have been here before. I won't lie, I am scared, very scared.....but very happy too : )
4 comments:
Hurray! Of course we have all learned that terrible things can happen, but it is also so important to celebrate and enjoy the good things that happen. Pregnancy now is really hard, but filled with so much love and hope!
I am absolutely thrilled for you Zita. I know it must be very hard to summarise your feelings, certainly I remember feeling very careful and cautious but absolutely excited and giddy all at once. Such a mixture of emotions.
I'm glad that numbers look good and I'm hoping for you so very much. I think this might be the first time I've commented but I've been reading along for a little while. I'm so desperately sorry for the loss of your little Amelie, the loss of a full term, healthy child is something I find it very difficult to wrap my mind around. The loss of my own daughter was as a direct result of a premature birth and, as such, is understandable. But to lose a little girl like Amelie, so ready to live? Just so difficult to accept.
I am not surprised that you are scared but I hope that you find many, many moments of happiness too x
I have chills reading this. I am very happy for you. Hold on to your hope and your happiness.
Now is now and it will never be again. Congratulations!! xoxo
Very happy for you! I certainly understand the cautious optimism, though.
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