No Words Left...

I know my last couple of posts have been focused on the IVF, not my grief, pain or missing Amelie.  I want to emphasize this is NOT because I am feeling better, I am not healed, not over it....those things I will never be. Time does not heal, I will never heal. Each hour, minute and second I am consumed with thoughts of her. I am so sad, weak, and lost without her here. This consumes me....As if I miss her more and more with every passing day. The further I get from having had her here, the more real it seems to get. I will never have her here again, I will never hold her, kiss her, sing to her ever again. Reality sets in more as time passes and the shock of it all fades. Just beacuse I don't talk about it, write about it, doesn't mean it's not here. I have run out of things to say. There is nothing to talk about, nothing to say anymore. It's all been said. It just plain and simple, it is what it is. She is no longer here. It really really hurts, more than anyone could ever imagine. There are no words...

As I prepare for IFV (2 more weeks if all goes well). I am consumed with the grief. It occupies my mind. I am not as focused as I would be. I realise all that doesnt really matter anyway, it either happens or not. All I think about is writing another entry. I want to write down and document all of my memories of her, during those beautiful 4 days I had her home and 15 more very bittersweet days when she was in the NICU on life support...I want to write down all of my memories of her, every single little tiny detail of her life. I cherish them all so much. I am so scared that I will loose them somehow. I want to savour and mull over them. I want to remember when I'm old. They are all I have. I so badly want to write them down. I keep thinking about it, yet it is all so difficult. I cannot bring myself to do it. It seems so final, so sad as it makes me realise; that is all I have left....my memories...of my poor sweet innocent perfect child.