Hello June...Please be Ok...

Not sure where to begin, about where I am right now....The recent news of my pregnancy, has lifted us all up. So meaningful, poignant at such a difficult time. Our whole family has been over the moon. But like I said in my earlier posts, we are all very cautious. I wish this is where my entry ended, that this was the extent of my sadness and fear. I wish I could say that this is it. This is our happy ending to a sad story. The successful end to a tragic loss and long and painful IVF journey. I wish I could say this is it. But sadly I cannot. I do not know. I do not know anything else since we last saw my doctor, as well as the gestational sack and the yolk sack, yet no visible embryo on the ultrasound. I have no more facts or knowledge and will not until this coming Wednesday. All I have is simply speculation. And how I feel. I want to remain private, yet I want to stay as open as I can in this blog. It is a place of honesty, where people who understand or care can check in.  The extent of my worry about this pregnancy I have kept very private, only sharing with a few near and dear. My hubby has an inkling but I don't want to worry him and just keep it to myself. Again I emphasize I have no facts. Internet research (the most evil thing while you do IVF, yet absolutely unavoidable during the many treacherous hours, days you are left to wait....I believe an embryo becomes visible 5.5 weeks - 6.5 weeks. I was exactly 6 weeks at the ultrasound. . Realistically it could go either way. Seeing the yolk sack was a promising sign. Often embryos develop a little slower, and each day matters immensely and like the doctor said, it is very possible we will see a healthy looking embryo with a beating heart.  I have no other reason to worry. Yet I am riddled with fear. I'm riddled with fear because of how I feel. I feel different to how I felt last week. I feel less hormonal. Less tired. My heartburn and sick feeling has gone. The lightheadedness and dizzy feeling I always feel when pregnant has also suddenly disappeared. My tender, sore and growing belly is flatter. (Although still huge compared to normal due to the vast amount of drugs and hormones in my system). What scares me the most, is simply just my plain and simple gut feeling. That I am no longer pregnant. I hope I am wrong, I hope I'm maybe just becoming a little crazy. That my mind is running wild unnecessarily. (Very possible knowing me).  Maybe it's a coping mechanism, to protect me from getting hurt. I don't know. I won't know until Wednesday.All I know is I trust my body, my intuition. I try to keep in mind, each pregnancy is different, I am on hormones which can effect how I feel. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I never wanted to be so wrong. The last 5 days, have been torture, anticipating the bad news, the what ifs. What I will do if it is bad news. What will happen both emotionally and physically, following it is simply too much.

On top of all of this, it is almost one year since Amelie came into this world. The best day of my life, June 26th. Then 19 days after that, we lost her. Being so close to these two dates is so intense. Only a parent who has gone through this could truly understand. Memories come flooding back (not that they were ever forgotten), they just become more raw and vivid. Time passing is such a harsh reminder. Next Sunday will be Amelie's Walk. My mother flying in from the UK and Aaron's Family travelling to LA, so that we can get together to celebrate her life. A walk at beautiful Huntington Gardens in Pasadena, followed by lunch at a nearby restaurant. Other family members on the East Coast will also hold their own walk for our little Mimi. So beautiful, yet heartbreaking. It shouldn't be this way.

If I have good news on Wednesday, then great - I will be so happy. It will teach me a lesson to not get so carried away next time, so negative. If I have bad news, then the timing will absolutely suck. June again will become a dark month, one that started so well and full of hope ending in loss. I will have to have a D&C or natural miscarriage (it kills me to even write these words), this would take place most likely during June 26- July 15th. Could the world be any crueler? My mum will be here again, (like last year when she came to meet her granddaughter yet also had to say goodbye). At least I will have her support. I love my mum, she is the best. I will have to remain strong and somehow get through it. My dreams of a baby will again be put on hold. My optimism, will fade a little more. My body, emotions, more worn out than ever before. My options as well as our savings also much more reduced. Friends will pity me even more than they already do, their hopes for me also dashed. The IP will win yet again. I hate to be so negative, it is not really me. But I am not really me anymore. The strength, courage and hope I used to have have all faded somehow. I will get them back...I hope, just not right now.

What gives me a little comfort, what makes me smile, throug my tears is, Amelie. She will always be constant in my life, always there. I know I can never loose her any more that I already have. I will always have her, my precious daughter, in my life. Not the way I would have chosen sure, but she is there. Her radiance, her memory, spirit living on. She gives me the comfort and strength right now.