An Update...

After my last cliff-hanger of a post, I apologize to have left suce a huge gap in any form of an update. I am sure you were all thinking the worst...My mother (who I don't get to see enough) was here visiting from England, and I wanted to spend every spare second with her. So I didn't get a chance to write the update that I have been so badly wanting to write for so long....Ok, so here I go.....'I'm still pregnant!!!' We saw a tiny little embryo amidst the blurriness of the ultrasound. Saw the heartbeat. The doctor was thrilled. I was... I just simply can't explain or put into words how I was. Convinced my little embryo was no longer there. Thoughts of abortions and miscarriges had tormented my mind for the whole week prior. To hear this, that I am indeed pregnant, was truly a miracle. The joy, the hope, is amazing. I am floating on clouds. Still early I know. Only 7 weeks, the cautious optimism is very much there. But I have hope too. I may still get to be a mother to another baby. Every pregnancy symptom and sign is so precious, so apprechiated. I eagerly wait for the next ultrasound this upcoming wednesday, somehow with a little less fear this time. Obviously, you never know. But I'm trying to have faith. To stay positive. Not think the worst ALL the time, only maybe 50% of the time....I realise how 'out there' I was, thinking the worst. I was SO convinced. Our loss changes us so much. If this was my first pregnancy I would not have jumped the gun so drastically. Would't have gone down this tortorous road this far. My loss has changed me, altered my way of thinking. Less rational, more worried and paranoid than ever before. No one can blame me....